countdown to doing this

ok so i am 44 years old 5 foot nine and i weighed myself at work the other day...249 lbs!!! 2 freakin hundred forty fucking 9 gd pounds!!! wtf?? i swear if i hit 250....i just dont know. how sad...and the fact that i like my body is not freaking helping...at all! i have been living with pain and i am sure that this weight is not helping at all! how could it. i mean even if its not the cause it cant freakin help. i need to drop 50-100 lbs by this time next year. it can happen its do-able. and i wont have the surgery. i dont wanna look deflated and cut out my insides. i think i have time to try to do it on my own. i have experience...did i mention i made my living as a weight loss consultant for years at a well known highly publicized weight loss corp that shall remain nameless. even sadder..i have no excuse..i know this shit inside and out.i like alot of people i have exercise epuipment to spare. the gazelle...elyptical..bands...weights...i should look like freakin jillian michaels with what i knw and what i have. doesnt take any epuipment to walk or do crunches either....l-a-z-y!! even my house is falling out of order..wake up cat!!! open your eyes to your life..its happening all around you...do something or youll miss it ( yelling at myself) i have sheltered myself after a lifetime of bad choices and living with the consequences. finally got my shit together and still theres this weight to deal with. i think its a mask to hide frome the world. to keep men at bay because i couldnt handle the attention. and the fact that i have horrible choices in men. i mean i was/am pretty cute and i dont think i ever felt really worthy of a good guy of some crazy crap..father issues i am sure..i never even really dated ya know...straight into relationshios never single. i mean one date or whatever you wanna call it...hook up or whatever and it was like relationship time. like every guy i was with was the one...how is that even possible... so needless to say losers!!! total crapshoot cuz i always settled. well i am tired of settling. i mean even now my boyfriend is my ex husband....its not like were even together..argh!!! what am i doing??? i have been in this pattern since i was 18 man!!! i mean really!!??.. its easy to do.. just freakin not caring and being lazy lets call it like it is ok so.. ok so addressing the weight first. starting jan 1, 2011...yea i know but its not a resolution just a start date.. i will exercise every freakin day..i dont care if i can only get in fifteen min...its gonna happen!! also no fast food. i have decided it is the devil and therefore not in my best interest at all..duh like thats some big fucking secret or something. also ill touch on the catkins thing...its gonna be hard core atkins for as long as i can handle it...by this i mean no carbs at all for at least 3 days (gotta love me some ketosis...make my body start burning some of theis storage i have going on here). then some vesion of low low carbs..under 20 a day. and its all about no sodas and about as much water as i can manage. that should be at least 64 oz. a day. and keeping this public journal is gonna be my way of being accountable. lets see how long i can do this ... wont kick the caffeine tho...gotta have something. oh and i will post pix!